Deep Down
by SecretTwin
Summary: It wasn't supposed to be like this. Imprisoned by her own hand. Bound to a gem who only wanted to hurt her. Will their minds survive? An interior look at the fusion Malachite.


**So this is something a little different than what I usually write, but I've been rewatching SU and the Jasper/Lapis conflict is just so interesting and we hardly got anything from the show. So, here we go.**

* * *

Dark...pressing...twisting...fear...

She can feel her mind forming, merging from two vastly different gems into one monstrous creation. Synapses that cannot fire to the right corner, thoughts that get lost, memories that go no where. Not her own mind, there are two quarreling voices. Her vision swims and her eyes start to focus. Four spheres merging into one. She can feel each one blink.

She is enormous. Towers above those pathetic defectives ( _but Steven?_ ) like her Diamond. She could crush each one with just a swipe of her hand. She is a Diamond. She could go back to Homeworld and shatter anyone because of this horrid form. No one can touch her. No one can lock her up ever again. The ocean calls to her in a way never had before.

The rage has two pulls, one towards their existence, to the Rose Quartz. The other pulls her to the memories of their neglect. But that's not right. She has never been imprisoned, but she remembers being cradled in two soft hands and seeing him smile for the first time, and lifting it so easily but not destroying its weak form when she smashed its pathetic head...

These memories confuse her, and further her rage.

Her mouth moves, but it's not her voice. The softer part of her speaks using her mouth, "Now you're my prisoner!"

She fights, struggles against her... this is not what she wanted! How does this little gem have so much power? The dark, wet water sucks her in. She fights against her, fights to keep her head above the surf.

She can feel her mind separating, remember who she used to be without this parasite. She struggles to wrench her mind away, but those cold hands yank her back and her memories merge once more.

She uses her mouth like a puppet. "Let's stay on this miserable planet - " Flashes of people and places she's never seen. Feelings that she has never known, of terrible loneliness, and dark, and touches of people who don't want to listen to her. Eons of nothing but stars staring back at her but never reaching. And she knows this is what awaits her.

"-together."

-x-

She knows what she used to look like. Small, her waist fit in her strong hand, made perfect by her Diamond. She was a soldier. She could shatter the lapis without effort. The lapis was not defective. She was an old cut, made before her era. Nothing wrong with her form, none that she could see. But down here. She understands the internal defects. The ones that no one can see.

Sometimes she sees her, floating across from her in the endless dark. But she knows that is impossible because they are together. Her mind is going. Sometimes she remembers events that never happened, sometimes she sees faces and she feels happy, but another part of her hates that face. Wants to smash it with her enormous fists.

They start to drift, and she wants this. She wants to think on her own without the lapis invading her existence. But then it pulls her in, and she feels their merge and she cannot think anymore.

-x-

Her existence is one of darkness and pain, but never lonely. She is grateful for that, no matter how horrible it is down here. She is not alone.

Sometimes she sees her floating in front of her eyes, four, like always, she is used to them by now. They are a part of her. Just like the water.

A part of her knows that this cannot go on forever, but another part knows what forever is like. Knows that forever can wear you down like the rough stone of this planet. This horrible, horrible planet. She was never supposed to be here, she knows that now. It was those three gems. They did this to her.

But what can she do?

 _Aww._ Water fills her mouth. No sound escapes, and no bubbles, because she has been down here so long. But she can hear the taunting in her head. _Is the Lapis going to cry?_

She tightens the chains around her neck. She wants to punish that part of herself, make it hurt, but she ends up hurting the other part too.

 _Shut up!_

That part of her is quiet for now. That part is dangerous, frightening. It is darker than any corner of this ocean, heavier than the water pressing on top of her. Sometimes she can feel it surface like the creeping tide, but she is quick to squash it. It cannot make itself known.

But she loses control sometimes, feels the softer part of her sink under, and the rage rise like a blinding storm.

She is losing herself. She cannot remember who she used to be, or if she ever was. Sometimes she thinks of her old self. She had yellow hair - no, blue. But she couldn't have because her hair is green.

Who was she before?

What was her name?

The thought terrifies her. She is gone, left with a monster for a mind.

 _Did you even wonder who I used to be?_

Sometimes she sees herself in the reflection, but some days she sees her amber stripes and golden hair. But that's not right.

She cannot remember.

There are old memories, deep down, that she probes for. There is something there, something beautiful and bright, but the part of her that is curious quickly learns that those memories are not for her.

Not for you. The dark is coiled around that source of bright, a small beacon inside of her.

She knows it is there though. She needs to break her down first.

-x-

She breaks through that coil of hatred and anger and there. She feels it. Grief. Loss, mourning. Feels the whispy strands of pink hair. The aching loss.

Who was she?

She understands that part of herself now. She knows why she hates the Rose Quartz.

-x-

Let's stay...

Together...

They don't know who they are. Sometimes they were alone, confined as nothing but a solid glass surface staring at the stars for eons, and then they were splitting open the darkness with a bang and filled with dry, sandy wind.

They remembered. Remembered their first friend. He talked to them, laughed with them, made them feel like they were alive. And they loved him, but that love would dissolve into simmering rage, but that wasn't right because he was her friend - No!

No. You don't have friends. Don't you dare think of him.

You have me. And the weight. And the dark.

I don't want you.

But even in their loneliness and the dark, they are not alone. Constantly with each other. Surrounding themselves with the darkest most horrible thoughts fighting to keep her down want to shatter her but I can't can't be alone would be alone again...

And sometimes they feel strokes of wispy pink strands.

Who was she?

 _Just let me do this for you!_

Oh.

The pressure and storms calm sometimes. It has to. They cannot fight forever. They sink into themselves, floating with their fingertips just out of reach.

All I am, all I was... all for her.

And now she's gone.

One of their eyes burns and they wish they could cry, feel water slide down their face, but they have to keep the ocean on top of them.

-x-

Please. Please let me go.

You wanted this.

Not this.

Yes.

Please! No.

They drag her down, squash her thought below the water.

-x-

They want to go home.

It's gone. Been gone for six thousand years.

She misses her.

-x-

We're Malachite now.

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 **So, very train of thought kind of writing here. But trying to comprehend what it would be like to have your thoughts merged with someone else is truly terrifying. I hope you all enjoyed.**


End file.
